everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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