flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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