You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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