I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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