Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
