I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Randomize
