Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
