i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
there is glitter all over my balls
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize