I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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