I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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