ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
