I just saw a hot homeless man
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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