when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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