let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
