dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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