if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
