The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I faked an abortion last night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
