I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
