he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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