please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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