You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
