I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
