Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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