I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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