The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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