I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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