That's when you crack a 10am beer
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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