Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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