Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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