I think I won the penis lottery.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize