I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i think i just lost a toe
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
