your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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