I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
