i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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