I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
