I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
