On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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