you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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