It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
