for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
