im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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