I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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