Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i've created a new STD.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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