toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
