part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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