I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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