do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
