When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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