Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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