Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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