dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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