I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
