$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i think i have two assholes
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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