Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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