Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
