we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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