i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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