All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love you. Go after that dick
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