I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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