I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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