My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
