Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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